Beloved comedian kidnapped by Harry Potter villains

5 May

Fans of comedian popular left wing comedian Eddie Izzard were stunned yesterday as he appeared to be willingly out in public with a self-confessed neo-Conservative[1].

Izzard is a Unicef ambassador, born in the Middle East and known for his international outlook, with quotes on the record like “I’m a citizen of the world, I’m concerned with human politics.” For him to be teaming up with someone who voted to go to war with Iraq, a staunch supporter of ‘Labour loves Israel’[2] and backer of nuclear missiles[3], seems as ludicrous as someone acclaimed for their views on equality and fair representation to support a man who was condemned in the House of Commons for ‘intolerant and dictatorial behaviour’

“The separation of the rich and the poor… can be stopped with the right legislation’ said Izzard earlier this year,[4] yet now the media would have us believe he is on the side of a politician who illegally claimed thousands of pounds in expenses.[5] Izzard campaigned for Yes to AV, Murphy was a No[6]… Something doesn’t add up here.

Long-time fans of the ‘hip and groovy’ comedian had at first been confused by his behaviour, but this confusion rapidly turned to concern. After reports he was ‘badly shaken up’ by the Star Wars theme tune and a small band of people exercising their right to protest, it became apparent that he could not possibly be a seasoned stand-up comedian and transvestite.

Image of small crowd where Murphy and Izzard were speaking“I’ve seen rougher crowds at the comedy club on a Tuesday night.” reported an onlooker. “He must be being controlled in some way. We all know Hogwarts is not far from Glasgow, so can only conclude he’s been Imperiused, or that Polyjuice potion is at play here.”

Izzard denied the reports on Twitter, lending credence to the latter theory.

Tweet from @eddieizzard 'Actually - it takes a lot more than that to shake me. I think you must have been taking your own pulse'“It looks like he’s being held prisoner somewhere,” said a source “and managed to get that tweet out while people were distracted. ‘Taking your own pulse’ – is that an implication that Simon Johnson was in fact posing as Izzard? Did anyone see them together?”

If you’re concerned about Izzard’s whereabouts, try voting with your heart on May 7.

Scottish Green Party
Green Party of England and Wales
Scottish National Party


[1] Murphy is a member of the Political Council of the Henry Jackson society:

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